Anti-Twilight - Book Analysis

I've been wanting to do this for a while.  As you've probably guessed from the not-so-subtle title, this is an anti-Twilight editorial.  Why?  Because there are a lot of things that I severely dislike about the book series that can't be explained in a simple answer to "Why don't you like it?".  I'm not one of the people who started reading and then stopped halfway through and decided to write an editorial about how much they hated half the book.  I've read the entire series, read numerous editorials on them, and seen both the movies.  And absolutely nothing has swayed my intense hatred for the series.

Before you wonder, no I'm not one of the people who hates Twilight because of so many screaming fangirls.  Yeah, I wish they had better taste in literature, but it's their opinion.  I've never tried to tell someone not to read the books; only my opinion on them.  You can take it if you want.

First point in why I absolutely despise this series.  We'll start with her writing.  I will admit that Stephenie Meyer knows how to write for her target audience.  She can keep people interested to a certain extent.  But it's kind of like food that leaves a bad taste in your mouth.  It tastes good at the time, but then you're like, "…Ew."  Meyer masks her writing with many, many, many adjectives.  It's rather like teenybopper porn.  And not only does she use too many adjectives, but she uses the same ones over and over.  There's only so many times you can compare Edward to a statue, marble, stone, whatever.  Meyer has a way of intricately spinning the words so they look good, but so does a cheeseburger until you peel back the bun and discover maggots.  In theory, Meyer could perhaps write a good book, given that she had a completely different plot and a dictionary/thesaurus with her.

Speaking of plot, that brings me to my next point: there isn't one.  The most drastic of all four books when it comes to plotlessness is the first book, Twilight.  The book goes on and on and on about how Edward is so perfect and how Bella is so plain.  Nothing interesting happens.  Meyer just keeps piling on events.  A book is supposed to have a main conflict that rises and rises until the climax.  But the main conflict of this novel was Bella getting with Edward, and that happened early on.  Then what?  Did Meyer realize how unbelievably shallow and pointless her book was and decided to make them play baseball?  Honestly, that has got to be the most random thing I have ever read.  There was no premise for it whatsoever.  And from what I can remember, there was no indication that James, Laurent, and Victoria were going to arrive, either.  Correct me if I'm wrong.  But doesn't it say something if the movie based on the novel has to add foreshadowing that wasn't present in the book?  So, yes.  The first book is filled with romance, fluff, and then finally a conflict.  Unless you want to count poor Mike Newton lusting after Bella as a conflict.

The second book, New Moon, was filled with utter whining and depression.  It also showed a new side to Bella: she's very selfish.  She's also nosy and rude.  Edward leaves her, so she's left to wallow in her self pity because her statue left and now the poor baby has to be warm at night.  Oh, and Bella's crazy.  She has lots of velvety voices in her head growling at her, showing that Edward is an overprotective control-freak even when he's not there.  Oh, and not much of a plot, either.  There's a tiny, itty bitty one.  Wolves in the forest, people are getting killed.  Laurent shows up, informs her pleasantly that he's going to kill her before being chased off by said wolves.  Oh, and Jacob is being weird and constantly has his shirt off and cut his glorious hair.  And now Billy's a butthead, too.  The only explanation?  Puberty?  No.  Must be lycanthropy.  The climax?  Once again, Meyer springs it on you all of a sudden: Bella must go to Italy to save a guy who doesn't love her.  She does so.  But wait!  The Volturi want to kill them.  Is this a climax?  No, it ends in a peaceful discussion.  Oh, but lo!  Edward does love her!  Well, then!  This book was almost entirely pointless, because the only thing we've established after who-knows-how-many pages is that Jacob is a dog!  I could have told you that.  Again, about the movie.  Does it say anything that the only battle scenes were added by a screenwriter and not Meyer?  They were not in the book.  They actually had to spice it up.  (And it still fell flat, in my opinion.)

Eclipse.  Whenever I think about the book series, this one fades into the background, despite the fact that this is the one that had the most of a climax and the most plot.  It details the impossible love triangle and shows that Jacob is even more annoying, Edward is even more controlling, and Bella is even more selfish.  Oh, so much love and drama.  Oh, and Victoria's coming.  I believe it's in this book where imprinting is explained.  Basically, a wolf boy sees a girl and falls in love.  And they always end up together because "no girl can resist that type of devotion."  So the girl has no choice, basically.  And the wolf boy will always choose his imprintee over his pack.  And she may or may not be a toddler.  But because they all love Bella so much, the mortal enemies decide to pair up with one another to face Victoria.  Edward makes an attempt to get along with Jacob, who snubs him completely.  Maturity?  No.  Guess we're still waiting for puberty to hit.  But it seems this book also has a plot!  Tons of people are being killed in Seattle and no one realizes the obviousness that Victoria is behind it until the mastermind Bella points it out.  Can I get a collective "duh"?  But then Bella decides that she's going to be selfish and allow everyone else to risk their lives for her, but not Edward 'cause she doesn't want to be lonely.  So they go to a cold, remote location and Meyer decides to add a very obvious complication by forcing Jacob to get in the sleeping bag with Bella.  Does she mind?  Of course not.  The next morning, Jacob tells Bella he's going to go in a blaze of glory.  So she tells him to kiss her.  He does, and then she realizes she does love him.  But does Edward mind?  No, because he's just so dang noble.  Bella feels horribly about it and begs Edward to hate her, but he refuses.  How freaking sweet.  Victoria finally shows up, and the battle is hidden behind blurs and "dancing" as Meyer calls it.  Oh, and there's the occasional "metallic, screeching noise".  I didn't know vampires were made of metal.  Go figure.  Oh, and then the whiny werewolf takes off because he finds out Bella and Edward are engaged.  My heart breaks for him.  Really.

So this is why they call it a finale.  No, wait.  Breaking Dawn cannot be called a finale.  Finales are supposed to be exciting and climactic.  Which the fourth book in the saga is not.  It is the most pointless book in the entire series.  The first book set up the relationship between Bella and Edward; the second set up the friendship between Bella and Jacob; the third set up the love triangle.  The fourth should have tied all those loose ends together and finished with a bang.  I'd say it stuttered to a stop and finished with a phut.  Imagine the noises the little put-put cars make, and you've got it.

The beginning of this long book is filled with mushy nonsense.  And more pointlessness.  Once again, Bella manages to get stared at without wanting to when Edward buys her an insanely amazing care that is missile-proof.  Seriously.  Missile-proof?  And it's just the before car.  Meyer usually went to great lengths to describe each car in use by all of the characters, but she took a real one, in this case, and twisted it so it was completely fake and unrealistic.  The Cullens are supposed to blend in (not that their other cars have helped this), but this car is completely over the top.  And pointless.  So Bella and Edward get married.  Jacob has been missing a long time, but the beloved canine returns in time for the wedding, and, of course, starts a fight with Edward.  There is blatant immaturity in Jacob all throughout the series.  I don't ever once see him mature or develop as a character.  But we can get to that later.  There are also some bits in the beginning with some major DUN DUN DUN moments that are not obvious in the slightest.

Edward and Bella go on their honeymoon.  Oh, guess what!  Esme has her own island!  Well, how lovely.  The newlyweds finally "do it" and Edward bites a pillow.  Wait.  He what?  Okay, so the boy has some freakish tendencies.  The next few pages are full of Edward's "woe is me" and "I'm a monster" bits and Bella's "I love you" and "sleep with me" moments.  Stephenie Meyer has really twisted it around.  This time the female is the horny one and the male is the reluctant one with a bad first time.  The happy couple spends a lot of time on the island.  And then Bella gets food poisoning!  Oh snap!  How completely and totally unexpected!  Wait!  Is it food poisoning?  No!  She's got a bump!  Bella's getting fat.  Call to the doctor, it's time to take the little woman home.  She's pregnant!  Insert random relationship with hostile blonde vampire, Rosalie, and we've got End of Part One.

Part two takes us to Jacob's point of view for the first time.  To some it may seem like a good idea to get inside the wolf pack's mind.  To others, like myself, it may have been torture to read through Jacob's eyes 24/7.  The kid is annoying.  He thinks he's funny, witty, smart, clever, strong, and blah.  So!  Jacob goes to see Bella and finds some UNEXPLAINABLE PULL.  Oh, gosh, I wonder what it could be.  And she's WAY pregnant!  Yet she's SO FREAKING happy to see him.  The wolf pack, upon learning that there is some creepy demon spawn inside Bella (also known as a dhampyr to those who have done actual research), decides to destroy them all.  And Jacob, despite the fact that he hates the whole clan, splits up from the pack to go warn them.  Annoying little boy Seth follows, and Leah does, too, after a little while.  The next bit of the book is just filled with waiting, and random wolf pack moments, as well as Jacob and his makeshift wolf pack going back and forth from the forest and the Cullens' home, and still refusing to be someone less-hostile.  Finally, about halfway into Bella's pregnancy, her placenta detaches, the baby destroys her spine, and Edward nibbles on Mommy's uterus to get the bundle of joy out.  And everything's fine!  Except for the fact that Jacob decides to kill the monster, and then…stops…

Part three!  Back to Bella!  Everything is so clear!  She's so beautiful!  She's graceful, even for a vampire! (Direct quote, I swear.)  She's horny!  She's also wearing a beautiful, pointless dress.  Edward is just so freaking happy that his wife has apparently lost her soul that he decides to take her hunting.  The normally inept Bella is amazing at everything.  She beats Edward to the forest, and then she starts to hunt some hikers who wandered of the trail.  Oh no!  But then she stops herself, something no newborn vampire should be able to do!  Snap!  Oh, and she's still horny.  We get a nice graphic description of her killing a mountain lion and a buck, as well as a description of how her dress no longer exists.  And they walk home.  La dee da.

We now have a huge clump of Bella adjusting to life as a vampire, as well as huge descriptions of her spawn, who, by the way, has the stupidest name ever: Renesmée Carlie Cullen.  Wow.  I have no words for it.  Renesmée is amazing in every single way.  She's gorgeous.  She can talk, she has teeth, she can read, she's got powers, everyone loves her.  And Bella just has amazing capabilities and strengths that no vampire her age should have.  Until she realizes that Jacob has given her daughter the nickname of Nessie, name after the Loch Ness Monster.  Oh, and he imprinted on her.  Surprised?

Oh, and Bella is still horny.

The whole "Renesmée is wonderful" stuff goes on for quite a while.  Until another veggie vamp from Alaska shows up, inserts the conclusion to the earlier DUN DUN DUN, and finally starts a plot in which Renesmée is going to die, along with everyone else.  Alice and Jasper run off, leaving the others to round up other vamps throughout the world in hopes of talking peacefully with the Volturi to show them that Renesmée isn't dangerous.  Vampires start pouring in, and every single one agrees to help.  Almost all of them fall in love with the squirt.  Oh, and Bella is, apparently, a shield.  She starts working on expanding her shield so she can save everyone.  And she sucks at it.

But she is still horny!  That's right.  Lots of sex moments for the newlyweds.

Once again, Bella shows amazing capabilities when her father, Charlie, shows up and she doesn't eat him.  She also discovers Alice's plan and gets a fake passport for Jacob and Renesmée, deciding to save their lives over everyone else's.  This is the second time that she's favored one life over another.  And then the Volturi arrive!  There are a lot of random talking bits.  It just goes on and on.  This is supposed to be the climax, and it's drawn out incredibly.  Then, just when you think they're about to start fighting, Bella is suddenly able to protect them all.  And then Alice shows up and convinces the Volturi that they did nothing wrong.  So the Volturi leave.  There was one death.  A smidge of action.  And a whole lot of talking.  Then they all go back home, have a toast, and live happily ever after, along with the corniest moment on the planet when Edward calls Jacob his son.  The end.

Okay.  We've gone through a rundown of the books.  If you see some hidden plot in there, let me know.  In my honest opinion, Breaking Dawn seems like it was written by a twelve-year-old who wrote it how she thought it should happen, not how it logically should happen.  The books are very long-winded, full of pointless adjectives, bad dialogue, boring characters.  Like I said, Stephenie Meyer can maybe write if she gets a thesaurus and a plot.  Then we'll see how it goes.

In the next part, the main characters are analyzed.